The Heartness of Jake Brown

Soooo this blog is, as promised, going to have some of my old journal posts.

Now, I want a few things to be kept in mind:
1. Most of these journal writings were written while I was Ashley’s boyfriend.
2. These are DEPRESSING.
3. I truly felt this way.

I hope these journal entries will give you some incite into how the me you see today has come about.

And who knows, maybe they’ll help one of you… somehow.

And this stuff is LEGIT embarrasing. Aha.

Here we go!
…………………..

~Dear God,

I really hope that Ashley doesn’t break up with me.

It seems like everytime I open up and show her just a little more of who I am, she gets less attracted to me. Man, am I a loser or what? Seriously.

She may say me being nice her is amazing or whatever, but I bet that if she knew me, like me for REAL, she’d see how big of a mistake she’s made choosing to like me.
I’m such a letdown.

Gahhh I don’t want to let her down… but knowing me, its destined to happen.

I’m the biggest screw up, loser, and failure ever to grace the planet.

Every time I speak to her, she sees more of my patheticness. I suck at life.

But I still like her very much, and I intend on making her feel amazing, as she is.

Please help me to bring a real difference to her life. I think she deserves so much more than how’s she’s been treated in the past.

Help me be that blessing. Amen.

——————————-

Oh God, I’m so sorry.

I’m just a failure.

I’m a failure to my parents.
They give me the chance to do the right thing and I screw it up.

I’m a failure to you, God.
My character, the way I look, and just who I am is a disgrace to what you intended.

I’m so sorry God… I’m SO sorry.

AND I fail as a boyfriend.

God it hurts so bad to think that she has to have someone as retarded, stupid, scrawny, and just plain not good looking as me.

She shouldn’t be wasting her time with me… and she shouldn’t give me this crap about me being amazing.

That’s bullshit. Bull. Shit.

It’s just not true.

I’m NOT good looking.. my teeth are jacked up, my lips are too big, I’m scrawny, I’m not tall, my eye brows are disgusting… I mean, how can she be remotely attracted to me In any way?

And that’s not even the HALF of it.

I’m stupid, I’m naive, I’m not funny, I’m not strong, I don’t play sports, I’m immature, and I’m far from deserving anyone, especially her.

She’s probably so embarrassed by me… that makes me so sad.

God… I need to be better.

Please make me better…

————————————-

How lovely is the soul of one who finds peace.
The value of such a thing is immeasurable.
If only you could tell me how.
… could you?

Will flowing streams of grace replace this coagulated mass of iniquity?

GAH! My mouth is dry! So dry!

Rip my legs from beneath me and let me fall into that water.

Drag me against the rough stones
as I float down the river.

Cut me deep… cleanse me to the bone.

I’m sick of typical. I’m sick of me.

Take a coal or two to my face.

Burn away my flesh.

For I know that it is I that keep myself from being complete.

————————

Dear God,

Will there ever be a “one for me”?
Could I ever truly satisfy someone… be good enough?

Everyone seems to be farrr out of my league. By worldly standards, I can’t compete with anyone.

But is that I bad thing…?
I don’t think You mind.. ha.

Do I need to look for different girls? Or do I need to take a deeper look at the ones you’ve put in my life?

I’ll probably do the second one. Yes.

BUT. I will not stop growing closer to you God.

Jesus… please guide me to the right girl.
And if need be, please give me the patience to wait.

Thank you for loving me. Help me love others that same way!

——————-

Wowzerz. How sad I was…

I hope these fewwww posts have given you a nice understanding of my past.

And maybe the way I act now will seem less confusing? Aha. I dunno.

Enough about me! Give me something else to talk about. :D

There was once a young girl, about five years old, named Anna.

One day, while out grocery shopping with her mother, she saw near the exit of the store a small fifty cent toy vending machine. Inside this machine, there were many little plastic spheres that contained a small necklace made with plastic pearls.

Anna HAD to have one if these necklaces.

So she started saving EVERY bit of change she could get her hands on, till she finally had saved fifty cents, enough to buy her much desired pearl necklace.

Once she bought it, Anna never took the necklace off. She wore it everywhere. She worked hard for it, and it was her treasure.

One night, while tucking Anna into bed, her father asked, “Anna, my dear, do you love me?” “Of course daddy!” She said with a cheerful smile. “Well, then will you give daddy your pearl necklace?”

Anna was shocked. “Oh nooo daddy, this is my necklace. This is my favorite thing in the world!” Her father smiled. “Okay, baby.”

Every night he would repeat these same questions, and should give the same answer. Anna was quite puzzled over why he wanted her necklace so bad! It was hers, after all. She saved her own money for it!

One night, after many weeks, her father asked again, “Will you give me your necklace?” Anna’s eyes started watering… and then she started crying. At last, she took off the necklace and extended it in her hand to her father. “Here you go, daddy,” she choked out the words. “You can have my necklace. But only because I love you so much!”

Her father smiled gently. He took the necklace and put it in his pocket…

And out of the other pocket, he pulled a beautiful, priceless pearl necklace, and handed it to his daughter.

This is the story of my life.

I hold on so tightly to “my life”, my goals and dreams… my plastic pearls.

God has pearls for everyone who is willing to trade.

Are we willing?

SO I didn’t realize formspring was synced with my blog…

Oopss. LOTS OF UPDATES.

Don’t worry, I changed thatttt.

ANYWAYS.

————————————————————————————-

Life is stressful right now. 

I’m going off to Tennessee for 2 ish weeks for a music camp. (camp electric. woo-ness)

i MAY be going to college in GEORGIA at Atlanta Institute of Music.
(this involves leaving EVERYTHING that I know behind to get a job, pay rent
in my OWN apartment, buying my own groceries, wiping my own butt… wait… ahem, 
and actually being RESPONSIBLE with my life, not to mention getting rooted in a 
church all on my own…. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH)

And, well, I feel very shallow with my walk with God.

CRAZY STUFF. I hate it. kujygjkucgykugyfuyqgfuryfg…kjyfghqkjvfgqkufgqr.

Well there is my update portion. 

Here… is my Honest portion.

———————————————————————————————————-

Read this.

I think we all have thorns in our “flesh.” And I’m sure you agree.

Let me attempt to walk you through a few of mine.

First i’d like to mention my struggle with selfishness.

Selfishness is SUCH a broad term it’s not even funny. 

And when I say it about myself… I mean it in every sense possible.

Selfishness with “my” time covers lots of it. 

One sad fact about me is that I can go DAYS without talking to ANYONE
if I have a guitar to play. Isn’t that sad? It makes me SICK. I mean,
Who would choose guitar over people? Over friends who LOVE me in
EVERY SENSE of the word! Even more, over people that need ME to be there
for them… and not just my friends, but people I don’t know that are 
just lost and confused and don’t even have half of the love I push away
from me everyday…. I hate this thorn. 

But I know that it just as the Scripture says… 
God’s power is made perfect in weakness.
This way i KNOW… that my love for my friends can only
be complete and perfect through God… and I pray that I would
continue to strive for that transparency… Pray for me. :[

Another one of my struggles is laziness. 
Yes, yes… it is quite a popular struggle among our culture.
But the way I EMBRACE it… like it’s OKAY sometimes… eckk. 

It’s disgusting. 

Please pray for me. That God would drive me. 
That GOD, Almighty God, Jehovah God, would DRIVE my life. 
Would freakin light my heart on fire(figuratively) 
for Him and Everyone around me and to be a good steward of my LIFE.


The last thorn I’ll mention is doubt. Skepticism, if you will, of EVERYTHING. 

One thing is my selfworth… 
Sometimes i… doubt it’s existence. 
I know, everyone. 

“Jake God loves you and that’s really all that matters..”

Oh I know He does… and that’s why I’m such an idiot for continuing to fall into
this hellish pit of depression and DESPERATION for love… 

…the love I already receive from EVERYONE. Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhkiufydkuyff.

What a spoiled little crap I am. 

Please pray for me… that I would see myself as God sees me… 

———————————————

I hope this look into my life has helped someone.

At least maybe shed some light on my “inner self”?

I’m not much of a secret keeper. 

This kind of stuff would casually and willingly spill from my mouth
if anyone asked. So yeah. Give me some new blog topics. Off to read Genesis 22-24.

I love you all. I truly do… I pray that my love for you would 
go past the stupid word and become the attitude that I need
so I can freakin CHANGE. 


Peace.

WOW. 

i have not posted in

so

long.

I will start posting regularly again. 
Because I’m going to start reading through the Bible

and therefore

will see more constantly and clearly my many faults…

and THEREFORE, have something to talk about. :] 

Peace. Off to start the Genesis.